Rules for the Confessor

What if you are the one hearing the confession? There are two possibilities: you are the one who has been wronged, or someone wants to talk to you before talking to the person or persons who has been harmed. In either case, talk to God first.

If you are the wronged party, the rules are quite simple. Listen, express your honest feelings lovingly, and forgive. If you cannot forgive yet, offer the forgiveness of God, and go see your own friend or counselor. The goal is forgiveness as pure and free as that you receive from God. “Forgive our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” (Matthew 6:12, 14)

There is one exceedingly important point, however. Forgiving is not excusing the evil done! If you have made a slight mistake, bumped into someone in line, let’s say, you exclaim, “Oh, excuse me! I’m sorry!” “That’s OK,” the bumped person can respond. “It was nothing.” And it is nothing. Human error.

It is only when there is no excuse, the thing which was done is sin—glaring angrily at someone, for instance—that forgiveness is necessary. And there is only one source of forgiveness; God. Jesus paid dearly for the forgiveness which comes so freely to us. We can’t even imagine the price. Confession isn’t it. Punishment isn’t it. Restitution isn’t it. There is no “paying the debt,” even if there is actual repayment. If someone steals a Toyota and repays with a Cadillac, he still can’t make up for the original harm, the sense of violation. It can’t be excused. It must be forgiven. That takes God. And when we forgive, we haven’t said it’s OK. It’s not. And no, we won’t forget. We will love anyway, which is much harder.

If you are a listening ear, then the rules are nearly as simple. The person confessing has the hard job. You have simply to listen calmly without getting shocked, prayerfully try to divide truth from excuses and complaints, reflect back to the other person carefully, assure (and reassure) of the love and forgiveness of God, and offer the best counsel you can as to what to do next. If you feel unqualified, offer to go with the person to a pastor or counselor.