Communication and Hospitality

Communication generally progresses in depth through several stages. People who don’t know each other start with small talk and facts about each other.

Demonstration 1:

Person 1: Nice day today.

Person 2: Yes, it’s nice to have some sun after the rain last week.

Person 1: Yes, it is nice. That rain washed out all my flowers. I’m going to have to replant.

Person 2: My son’s in Little League. They couldn’t even play last week.

Notice how the people stuck to facts. But notice something else. They quickly moved to mini-stories of their lives. “I’m going to have to replant my flowers,” and “My son plays in little league.” Through these small word pictures or anecdotes, both people volunteered a bit of information about themselves.

Hospitality, no matter what the setting, invites people to share mini-stories of their lives. Through those stories they share needs, joys, troubles and enthusiasm. They share themselves if those around them are alert enough to see. From there, a short leap takes people to head talk, sharing ideas and solutions to problems.

Demonstration 2:

Person 1: When my son was in Little League, the coach made him play in all kinds of weather. I never did get the mud stains out of his uniform.

Person 2: I know what you mean. I searched until I found product X for mud stains.

Person 1: Really. Did it work?

Person 2: Like a charm. I had to order it off the Internet though. I never have found it in any stores around here.

Our demonstrators are now sharing solutions and ideas. But notice how they share them; through stories of specifics. These are still things you could share with anyone. Nothing personal has come up.

But a relationship is being established. If the people feel secure with each other, feel listened to, then they may move from head talk into heart talk.

Demonstration 3: Have two people prepared to read this short exchange as an illustration of this point.

Person 1: Too bad they can’t come up with a product to clean up hurt as easily.

Person 2: Hurt?

Person 1: Yes, after my son missed a fly ball which caused his team to lose the game, the coach had him sit on the bench for the rest of the season. The miss was an accident. He tripped over his shoe lace. My son really wanted to play. Sometimes I wonder what happened to playing for the sheer joy of playing. Now my son won’t even look at a baseball or a bat.

Person 2: Ouch. That must really hurt—to watch your kid lose something that he loved.

Notice the feeling level, the deepest form of communication. Also notice how Person 2 invites Person 1 to say more by picking up on the feelings and reflecting them back. “Hurt?” Not only that, but Person 2 notices two levels of hurt—the hurt the child has experienced, and the hurt the parent is experiencing. Neither of these hurts is more important than the other, but Person 2 is responding to this one—to the person in front of him or her.

Our demonstrations have talked about emotions and feelings. They have a much deeper perspective and insight into each other than the strangers who first greeted each other. And how did they do it? Through stories and through recognizing feelings and inviting people to say more.

Usually people do not move through the levels of communication quite this quickly. However, hospitality, bringing people into your home or similar space with you, opens the way for the communication progression.

My stories and your stories lead to greater understanding of each other. Stories about other people can be helpful and uplifting or they can descend into gossip. Gossip will destroy hospitality. If I hear a story about someone else that damages that person’s reputation, I’m going to be very careful what I share lest it get twisted and told in the next gossip session.

Be careful about dominating the conversation with your own stories and opinions. People sometimes share stories that present a dilemma for them. They can often talk themselves into their own answers if given a chance, understanding and acceptance. Resist jumping in too quickly with a story or advice.

Rebecca Manley Pippert has a conversational model for drawing and enticing people into deeper conversations through questions. In her book, Out of the Salt-shaker and into the World, Pippert describes concentric circles of conversation. Like an onion, conversation progresses in layers.

Outer Layer—General Interest Questions: Examples of a general interest question include: Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What are you studying in college?

Next Layer—More Specific Questions: These are based on information from the first questions. Examples include: What do you like most about your job? What aspect of communications will you specialize in?

Deeper Layer—Questions About their Values: Many people miss this layer. Examples of questions of this type include: What led you to choose that major? Do you think most people in your workplace are completely satisfied with their vocations?

Inner Layer—Spiritual Questions: Depending on their answers to the questions about values and the level of relationship already developed, there may be opportunity to ask questions about spiritual topics. Some examples include: Where do you think the desire to communicate with others comes from? What do you think is the deepest desire of most people in the workplace?

Pippert also gives two additional models for communication. Each model focuses on asking questions and asking further questions rather than countering with a statement which could cause an argument. (Pippert, pp. 143-145.)