Rules for Confessing

It is probably not that good an idea to rush out and get online to confess all our deep, dark secrets to an admiring public. So when, how, and to whom should we confess? When: Obviously, choice number one is when we first realize the sin. The second those words leave your mouth, that you immediately wish unsaid, you may not be able to call them back, but you can humbly say, “I am sorry! Please forgive me.” And without excuses! “I’m sorry but, I’m tired, I’m busy, I wasn’t thinking, or worse yet, if you hadn’t …” is not nearly so helpful.

The second best choice is before bed. Once upon a time, most religious traditions spoke and wrote a lot about “examining the soul” at the end of each day. It can lead to a morbid self-absorption if over-indulged, but a little soul searching is a good thing. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is still good advice. (Eph. 4:29) If it’s too late for either of these choices, then now would be a good time. If it’s a serious subject, make an appointment. Find a quiet time. Practice first with a friend, if it will help. Pray. Then tell the truth.

Is there ever a bad time? Yes, there is. If the person against whom we have sinned knows nothing about it, and it would hurt him or her worse to know, this is a good time to talk to the trusted pastor or friend. The sin must be confessed, not only to God, but to one other godly person. However, it may never be possible to tell the whole truth to the person most nearly affected. If we have talked it through with someone else, and this person agrees it should not be told, we can still find the relief of sharing, and the peace of God’s forgiveness and strength to do differently next time.

How: As simply as possible. If it’s immediate, a simple “I’m so sorry” will do. A little later, it might be, “I’m so sorry I lost my temper with you earlier, at the dinner table. Will you forgive me?” But what if it’s a big deal? Then there are steps.

1. Talk to God first. This may be a good place to write the whole sordid thing down. Some people find comfort in then burning the report. The sin goes up to God in the smoke, never to be seen again.

2. If you are afraid, it may be desirable to talk to someone else first. This must be someone absolutely trustworthy, both to keep your secret from others, and to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. This person will have a more objective eye, and will not let you get away with half-truths or excuses, but will love you anyway, and assure you, over and over if necessary, that God can and does forgive, and still loves you more than you can imagine. This person can also help you decide whether to tell, when to tell, and even how to tell. In serious situations, a pastor or counselor may agree to be with you when you tell the tale to the person you have harmed.

3. When you are ready to confess to the wronged one, you may wish to make an appointment. “I have something important to tell you. Can we talk this evening?” Be sure it’s a quiet time that won’t be interrupted by children, telephones, or business. And be sure it’s private, unless you have decided you need a third person.

4. Tell the truth. Tell the truth. Tell the truth. It isn’t confession if it’s a tissue of excuses, reasons, and extenuating circumstances designed to show that it’s all really not your fault. There are two things to talk about: what you did, and how you feel. Both are important.

5. Listen. The other person may forgive immediately, cry, get angry, or say he’ll never forgive you. The other person has only one thing to talk about: how he or she feels, or rather, how the feelings were when the event happened, and how they are now that you’ve confessed. The other has things to work through, too, and it may take time before you are forgiven. Accept that, and comfort yourself with the realization that God has already forgiven you, and not only that, already paid for your sin.

6. Accept the consequences, whatever they may be. Consequences are different from punishment, and don’t affect God’s forgiveness.

7. Go and sin no more. This is easy to say, of course. If there is a practice that needs revealed, a tendency or temptation, you will need help. This may be again, a friend, pastor, support group, or professional help. But you don’t want to go through this again and again!